No goodbyes !

The college campus was overflooded with the excitement, of summer
holidays, going back home, and an escape from that disgusting mess
food , finally after completing our 1st year of graduation we were going
home, what was their not to be excited about? With utmost
happiness I kept my bag and baggages at the front door and ran upstairs
as soon as I saw her I hugged her that was when I realized that she had
grown very thin and feable and also her head was covered with a scarf
and she was bald!

At all of our sitting places and bedrooms their were these big bottles of a
highly medicated, strong anti-infectant sanitizers my mother and I were
sitting on the bed when finally decided to break the ice asking her about
those sanitizers ,to which she said that these days she was becoming
very peculiar about hygiene and saying she removed the scarf from her
head “look at my new look” , looking at my mother bald I was
absolutely stunned although she looked even prettier, I asked was it
because she wanted healthy hair or something like that to which she
replied “ I have cancer, 4
th stage” my heart stopped, it was like a blow
“maa, you’re lying right ?”
“no.”
My first instinct was I wanted to hug her and cry my heart out but I
thought that crying would let her hopes down so I told her
“no worries maa, people live years inspite of cancer”
Both Maa and I were very positive about it, later I also came to know
that even my younger sister was involved in my mother’s plan to keep
things from me from the past 6 months. It was a difficult process of
letting the fact that my mother has cancer sink into me, what was
disheartening was what my little sister had to go through, what is even
worse than watching your mother go through chemotherapy.
A few days after I was home my mother went in for a HIPEC which
basically is a high intensity chemotherapy,( in which your stomach is slit open and washed with chemicals at 40` C for about one and a half an
hour .)

Things were not very pretty when she came back, like she used to cry
whenever she was alone (I don’t know what she thought ), she did not
eat for 2 days or so, she had cramps so worse that she cried, I used to
sleep with her she used to have hunger pangs in the middle of the night
she used to wake me up to get her something to eat I did get annoyed at
that time but now I feel sad, I wish she could wake me up again ask for
food. I had never cooked ever in my life, but for her I learned how to
cook and she did even liked it, I used to was her clothes, make her food,
give her a bath, do the dressing of her stiches, we also used to watch
funny videos together and laugh together.2 months went by and my
holidays came to an end time),when I
leaving for the universityon july 7th 2019 my grandmother, me and my mother all of us were crying before I left my mother hugged me and said “don’t cry, you are the best child” (I wish I knew that, it was my last goodbye to her)

On 14 th of September 2019 my
father calls and asks me to come home ( I was still not so panicked, I
thought may be wanted she me around).
It was 18th of September 2019, I was sitting outside the CCU (critical
care unit ) with some of my relatives waiting to see my mother and I
don’t know why but while I was sitting their I started to tear up thinking
that the person whom I used to see every day now I have to wait to see
her.
Finally I got to see her my I walked into the CCU ,walked in it was this big – big room with surgeons their was someone surrounded all by machines
I looked closely, it was maa for a few minutes I looked at her numb ,her
legs and hands were swollen and they were slightly yellow, she was
weak very weak her mouth was covered by an oxygen mask (which she
was revolting to remove) her eyes were completely yellow and pale to
look at looking at tears
rolling down my mother’s face I could not stop myself from crying too,
my mother was telling me that she wanted to go home, but no one was
listening to her, she was not even able to speak she had been in the
critical unit for the past week without water or food, surviving only on
oxygen.
Maa asked me to hug her but I couldn’t because of all the machines and
drips surrounding her, no one ever deserves to see their mother dying and feel completely helpless about it.I cried the entire day and I wanted to be with my mother but I did not had this much courage of watching her in that condition, dying.,

the next day on 19 sept 2019 I took a bus for my university, on my way I just cried praying to god to do whatever is
best, I did not wanted her to go through any pain on, 20th September
2019 at 8’oclock as soon as I got down of my bus I received the message
that my mother was no more.

So here I am six months past my true love’s death,

Now I know why she raised me so strong

As I had to bear the grief of her loss.

Through sharing this piece of my story I just wanted to say, you never
know when are your last goodbyes, so make sure you tell your loved
ones how much you love them,

Because at last those smiling pictures of their’s will never know,
How much you cry looking at them…