I just starred at him that night, sitting on the couch next to me. When I got that thought, I wasn’t even sure whether I should do that to him, me or more importantly us. I so wanted to take him into my arms and let him know whatever it was it will be fine. But I couldn’t bring myself to. I know he wouldn’t have stopped me or anything and maybe he would have melted and let it all out. But that day on the couch, between us, was sitting this strangeness, this awkwardness and hatred that I never thought existed. How did it happen? How did the face so familiar to me become so unfamiliar? How did the heart that was so close to mine became so distant?
We were right there and still weren’t.
I should have known. I should have seen this tension building up. I should have fixed it when I had the time. I should not have walked away when I knew he needed me the most. I wish he had tried to stop me. Nothing wouldn’t have been painful right now. We would be together! But how could I do it alone? We were supposed to be a team right?
I know I was a little cross at him for being aloof for the past couple of days and how I had to pretend that it was alright because I was afraid he would brush it off like he has been doing. I know he prefers solitude when upset and I shouldn’t have troubled him. But how could I let him suffer in front of my eyes. He should have known that I was there for him. But he didn’t.
How did we come to this?! What about the future we dreamt of together? Auro and Ahana the couple that got all the compliments in the world about how lucky they were to have found each other were miles apart now. I wonder what the world had to say to that.
It’s been a month now. And yet, that moment is still stuck with me, these questions still wander like ghosts in the haunting castle of my head. Every time my phone rings, I wish there’s a notification with his name. Every time the doorbell rings I wish Auro is there. I imagine him to be at least a little miserable wanting me back. I picture myself crumbling onto the floor in his arms, letting him know how nerve wrecking all the wait has been. And each time it’s not him, something breaks within me. I’ve made this existence an exile for me. Was it wrong on my part that I was expecting?
Who’s fault was it?! Should I blame the circumstances? Maybe. But it’s not like we didn’t have our own flaws. I remember how in the beginning, we were so proud at the fact that there was nothing we couldn’t fix together. Well, we at least know now that there is this.
“What’s up with you?” I casually asked when he came home from work looking a little sombre.
“Nothing.” he brushed it off with his usual answer. We hardly had any conversation at the dinner table that day too. It had probably become a usual thing for him now. But it bugged me that we didn’t chat like we used to. With each passing day, I consoled myself to understand that it’s alright even though it was eating me alive. I tried a couple of things but it just wasn’t work. I didn’t want to emphasize on it a lot because I was afraid that I would get one of his speeches featuring how it was just me overthinking and nothing else. I didn’t realize how uncomfortable I had already become with him.
I tried to give him space making sure that he didn’t feel alone. But he didn’t even try to tell me what’s wrong. I kept sliding it into conversations but that didn’t help either. Couldn’t he see?! It was hurting me. Thoughts like I’m too available for him or he is taking me for granted, crossed my mind. I found myself questioning his love. But each day I tried staying strong for him. I wanted to be there for him. I think I over did it because he wasn’t there when I wanted him to know that I felt alone. Either I hid it too well or he couldn’t see how much it has been affecting me. It wasn’t like we didn’t talk at all. We did. Just the small talks. Nothing special was left. I could feel it.
After dinner, I brought it up again. He tried changing the topic of conversation by asking me what should we watch tonight. It was enough! I decided to confront him.
“Are you ever gonna tell me what’s going on?! Can’t you see it’s bothering me that you’re struggling with something?!”
For the first time he looked at me as if he understood what I was going through but said, “Nothing. I told you.” When he saw I wasn’t satisfied he added. “You’re just thinking too much about it.”
“So you think you’re not acting oddly at all?” There he goes.
“I know I am. What about it huh?!” Was it some trick of his? Was all this a joke to him? I wanted to burst at him but I calmed myself.
“I just don’t want you spending another sleepless night honey.”
“You’ve been spying on me?!”
“How is that spying? I just couldn’t help-”
“Just go Ahana. I don’t wanna talk.”
I opened my mouth to say something but he interrupted me, “Just leave me Ahana. Go away.”
Hot tears rolled down my flushed cheeks. Not being able to believe he said it, I starred at him as he stared at the television. I looked at that beautiful face and for the first time I didn’t find lovely at all. I knew I loved him, I still do but I couldn’t take it anymore.
He wasn’t like this at all when I first met him. He talked. A hell lot! He shared everything with me. I actually loved it. It took him months but was able to make me this chatterbox that I had been. We clicked. We’d fit together so well. I get it, it fades away but that doesn’t mean you don’t try to figure it out. Love is something you work with every single day. Giving up should never ever be an option.
That day, it felt like even the rock bottom was somewhere high above me. I felt weak in the legs as I walked out of the well lit apartment into the darkness of the night. I couldn’t believe this was real. I got to my apartment and let myself fall on the floor wanting to cry but no tears came. I had gone numb. For days nothing made sense. I left messages, voicemails but nothing. I so wanted to visit him but my legs wouldn’t take me. I couldn’t take me. All my life I tried to make sure that I don’t commit this mistake. That I don’t give everything to that one single person but I did. Was it entirely my fault?! Whatever the case was, right now, it all looks like a terrible mistake I’m living the consequences of.
These last couple of months, I couldn’t write. I didn’t write at all. I submitted a medical in my office. It was not until this last week when I got a call back and I had to join in. Bit by bit, I started writing again. I started laughing again. Things with friends become fine. They were all supportive and made sure that I didn’t feel left out. At work I thought I was getting myself back but at home it felt like these empty walls were ready to swallow me.
When my doorbell rang today, I opened the door and couldn’t contain myself when I saw him.
“Will you take me back?” he asked. At once I felt all the emotions clouding in front of my eyes. I felt like the world was spinning around me and suddenly, everything went black.
We were in my room when I regained my consciousness. His brown eyes relaxed as they met mine. Oh my! He’s really here.
“Are you okay?” He asked concerned.
“Yeah. No. I mean yes I’m fine.” We both laughed.
He touches his forehead with mine, “I missed you.”
He grabbed my face with both hands and placed his mouth on mine. I tried to resist but then I gave in. Desire overpowered me. This is what I want. This is where I need to be. Here. Like this. In his arms, I thought.
“I can’t do this” Tears roll down my cheeks as I pull away from him.
“Ahana, don’t say this.” He inches closer.
“Why shouldn’t I?!” I put a hand in between us gesturing him to stop. “Why are you so concerned about what I say now?”
“I was always concerned about what you said.”
“Really?! That’s why you asked me to leave when I was just trying to be there for you?”
I raise my voice. More tears crawl down.
“I need you!” I almost wanted to hold him but controlled my urge. He continued, “Life is miserable without you. I want my forever with you Ahana”
“Took you so long to realise that?” I smirk.
“Please let me explain-”
“Enough Auro! You can’t let me go and then come back whenever you want. I’m sure there might have been a really strong reason for you to do what you did or what you said to me. But I didn’t mean no harm. I just wanted to be there for you. I just wanted to make sure that you don’t have to do it all alone. You didn’t let me then why bother me now?”
“I was an idiot for taking you for granted. I thought you’d come back because I knew you wouldn’t leave me. But you did and I was angry. I didn’t pick your calls or replied to your texts for I thought that you would come see me.”
“So it was my fault that I didn’t come to see you after being pushed out?”
“No Ahana it was never your fault. Please can we let it go?”
“Let it go?!” My eyes broaden. “It has been six months Auro!”
“Please” Auro held my hands in his and placed his head over them. We’re both sobbing.
I had wished for him to come to me more than a billion times. But now that he’s here wanting a life with me, I’m not sure I want to go back there. I’m not sure I’d be able to take the pain again. I know how I’ve survived this time I can’t let me go through it all again.
“I can’t” I whisper. He looks up as if drained of life. “Ahana…” He came closer to hug me. I let him. He kept pleading. I wanted to hug him back but I could not bring myself to.
“Go Auro.” He looked me in the eye. “Just leave.” I break the contact. He slowly got up to go. He’s going Ahana, stop him my heart shouted but it was too late now. I hear my front door close after a moment. He’s gone. I get up and go turn the shower on. I stand there as water hits me and let myself sob. I love him but knowing that he wasn’t there with me when he could be hurts. It hurts every single day and might hurt for the rest of my life. When I looked at him today, one thing was certain he has been as miserable as I was. He was here I could have had the whole world I dreamt of with him. A part of me also tries to defend him, maybe he wasn’t able to come because he genuinely couldn’t and he came when he was ready. When he was ready, what about me then I question as I sit down hopeless. Tears roll like the stream of water over me.
A while later I come back to my room. Something comes over me and wrapped in my towel, I sit down to write my diary after full six months. I pen down everything. All that I have been feeling, all that had happened. Everything. I realize that I didn’t want him in my life if it has to be this way. I can’t let it happen to me. I can’t lose myself. It wasn’t the best what he did to me but what I’m doing to myself is not great either. I have cried enough. I have thought enough. And for him, I have done enough. Not anymore. I still have those dreams that I wanted for me. Nothing has changed except the fact that I don’t want him there to be in them anymore (though a part of me would somehow crave for him). It should be alright, I was doing it without him then, I can do without him now. My dreams are all I want and not wanting him in them should be the best thing I seek. I know I wanted the whole world with him but all I want from him now is nothing.
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